As salaamu 'alaykum,

When I first became muslim it was a sister who didn't feel comfortable around me. I had only been muslim for one month in an abusive relationship, living with my mother who was giving me a hard time, and with two children. I barely knew how to say the islamic greeting.I did not even know about polygyny let alone wanting to marry any ones husband. I was already in a situation I didn't want to be in.

My question is why are sisters so insecure Why do women worry about who is trying to scope their husband or that their husband may want to marry them. Instead of being this way towards new muslim sisters why not teach her the correct islamic aqeedah and other important issues in the deen.

Looking for responses.

Salaam Sister

I have a question for you and any man who is practising polygamy. To what extent do you think that you are treating your wives equally? What measures are you taking to ensure that no inequality and unfairness is taking place?

Also for all those men who are practising polygamy ... how many of them have married for the 'right' reasons other than sexual gratification. My reason to this question is that the majority of the followers of this sunnah pick and choose the sunnats which please them ..... The prophet (pbuh) numerated his wives after the age of 50 and all except 1 wife (HZ Ayesha ra) was young .. all the others were 40+ in age and the prophet (pbuh) married them for socio-economic-political and educational reasons ..... how many of these men do this ....... If I was 'scoping' a married guy as a potential husband (being unmarried) I would ask ... Why would you want to numerate your wives ... and I would see how oppressed the first wife is ...

Sister .. it seems that this man you have married may have in one way covered you .. yourself being a single-parent and open to abuse from others .... You have either escaped from a bad situation and run into something else without thinking about it first ...... And this man you have married is most likely going to marry again as this type of man seldom is satisfied with one ...... Perhaps it would have been better for you to convert to Islam for the sake of Allah rather than for a man as you seem ... if anything ... more insecure ... and only Allah can offer security .....

Wasalaam

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem
As salaamu 'alaykum,

I want to know what are you talking about? In what part of my message did you get all of what you wrote? If my husband marries again than Alhamdulillah, May Allah give him the reward for helping a sister out and grant him MORE patience.

I did not nor did my husband marry me for me to escape abuse. My husband didnot even know i was being abuse and prior to that I was divoriced from the person anyhow. My husband also didnot marry my to satisfy his sexual urge and if he did Alhamdulillah as long as he fulfill his duties to His Lord by providing as Allah says provide for a wife whether he has two, three or four.

As far as brothers and sisters for that matter who choose to pick whatever sunnah the feel. I can speak for my husband and no one else. My husband does not pick and choose what he feels fit himself. My husband practice this deen to the best of his ability by following what Allah has commanded and staying away from what he has forbidden. He also pratice this deen according to Allahs Last Messenger sallallahu 'alayhe wa salam and his righteous companions Salaf us Saalihin. what about yours if you have one. How many brothers do you know wear their pants above their ankles when at work or at home and out? How many brothers do you know who have a full beard and don't shave or trim it? How many brothers do you know that doesn't shake women hands or intermingle with them? How many brothers do you know that are willing to provide and take on the burden of another mans child or two for that matter and treats them as if they were his own?And it a long list that I care NOT to discuss since that is between them and thier LORD.However, I can tell you mine MASHA-ALLAH ta'ala is a good brother and I pray to Allah that he be rewarded with the best in this life and the BETTER in the next and with me my co-wife and if two more too! ALhamdulillahir Rabbil "alamin included!

And just for your information I did not get into anything whatout thinking. Masha-allah, Allah allowed me to CHOOSE and it was the BEST CHOICE that I have made besides coming into this deen.

My husband is fair as much as Allah wants him to be fair by providing for BOTH his WIVES. He CAN NOT be fair in how much he LOVES us IF you know the hadiths concerning that and the ayah.

I am NOT on this message board to debate concerning my marriage which is permissable by Allah no matter how some muslims my dislike it or make ALL the excuses for it not being or whatever you all are the ones who have to answer to Allah.

Also, I forgot to mention that I DID NOT BECOME MUSLIM FOR SOME MAN. YOu are giving your so-called advice to the wrong person. WHERE in my message did I say I converted to Islam to marry some ones husbands? I became muslim out of fear for my salvation in the next world and hope to acheive jannah because of the Love I have for Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Do you not know the hadith concerning hijrah? I made hijrah to Allah and his messenger not to a man. That was just for your information.

Your sister in this deen of Allah
Umm Yusuf Khadijah bint James Anthony

Salaam Sister

In your response to Sr. Nadiya ... I think you have applied her general comments to your personal situation. Her questions were quite valid as many men who choose to have more than one wife simply cannot treat them equally. It would be a rare gem of a man who could do this (and most women would say that their husband was) ...... In my own experience, my husband is a very good muslim who prays his salats tuhajjats, awabeen Ishraaq and does many nafl fasts and supports his family as well as doing work for the deen ..... I asked him would you marry twice .. .and his answer was no as he felt that the responsibility was great and much caution was needed in the treatment of multiple wives as did the holy prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) and the examples from the pious ones is very hard to replicate in this day and age.

Im sure your husband is a very good muslim .... and treating you with the upmost equality .... and helped you out in some way and only Allah knows the intentions of those who marry more than once and may Allah give hidayat to those whose intentions are not good.

wasalaam

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

As salaamu 'alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

I do not think that the sisters comments had ANY validation to the question I posed prior.
Also, if you really carefully read through the comments she made concerning way I became muslim and why my husband married you will see(i quess) the way I responded the way I did.

I am sure and oly Allah azza wa jal knows everything, that there are men(muslim) who are out their doing what she stated in her response. But, as I stated and we all know that Allah is the only one who knows the intentions that I only know my reason for accepting a polygynous marriage and why my husband choose the responsibility of providing for two families.

I was a muslim 1 year and a half before I even married this brother. He did not know me and I did not know him. Allah is the one in control of ALL things. Our intentions and deeds are SUPPOSED to be for Allah and not for a human. Alhamdulillah, i have successfully been married to him for 4 years come november and as I stated before it was the BEST choice I made Besides coming into the DEEN of Allah.

Insha-Allah I will NOT post her anymore for fear of debate. I am not this way and care not to get into anymore discussions. I just felt that I had to respond to the message since she was speculating and that is a sin.

Subhanakallahumma wa bihamdika ashhadu anla ilahailla anta astaghfiruka wa atuubu elayka

If i said anything to offend anyone may Allah forgive me and have mercy on me

As Salaamu Alaikum,

sister take it easy!! what you intended is really none of anybody's concern anyway. that's between you and Allah. We are all going to get our just reward in the end.

As-Salamu-Alaikum,I am not sure if I can change the subject just a bit, but I was wondering if I could get some advice on my situation. My husband and I are planning to move to an Islamic Country,Insha-Allah and I need HELP. He is planning to marry someone there before we move and I am Struggling with polygany. I am so torn, I have been Muslim for a little over three years and have been married most of them. My love and fear of Allah make me scared of how I may react in a situation like this partly becauce I have trouble accepting it. I have read countless material on this subject and still have difficulty with it. I have no problem with ALL other aspects of Islam. I were niqaab and try to do all those other aspects that bring me closer to Allah. It brings me to tears just thinking about it. It seems like there are many sisters on this forum that don't have a problem with it, I truley wish I could be like you but I am having major problems doing so. He says he cares how I fell but when it comes up he is extreamly harsh and shoves it in my face with no sensitivity towards my feeling in the matter. We fight when ever it comes up and are fine other times. My closest sisters are to busy with thier lives to talk to me about it. I turn to Allah every sallah for help. I will continue with this constant Jihad in my heart, maybe it will be lifted,INSHA-ALLAH

Asalaamu alaikum sister. May Allah give you some peace on this issue insha Allah! I would ask that you try to talk to your husband about this very clearly, insha Allah. Don't allow yourself to cry and get emotional and jealous acting, or say anything that would question his right to do this. Explain very calmly that you know and understand that he has this right, but that it is difficult for you to accept. Tell him whatever issues there are that you know are making it hard for you; what things are you worried about? Be honest with him, but remember that you cannot tell him that he cannot do this, and insha Allah that is not what you really want to do, to tell him he can't do something that Allah has said he can. You say he is harsh, and perhaps that is true. But first, is it possible that he is not really being harsh but it only appears that way because it is such a sensitive subject for you? If he is really being harsh or making you feel inadequate, you need to tell him so (in a very respectful way, of course) because he honestly may not realize that is what is happening. If you cannot come to some degree of understanding, I would suggest that you ask him to have your imam come and talk with both of you about it, insha Allah. Often having a knowledgeable third party who is acting as a mediator is very helpful in getting both of you to say what really needs to be said and to open up all avenues of discussion and resolution.

Most of all, you know you need to pray about it! You can even ask Allah for strength in accepting it, insha Allah. If you are able to find a way to deal with the difficult situation with love and patience, you will receive great reward. Many sisters have been in your situation, we don't all accept it easily or immediately; it can be very painful. But often the marriages where it seems the hardest at first, if you can put it aside for a bit, end up being the most fulfilling, as many sisters can tell you.

Asalaamu alaikum again. You may have already seen this site, but if not I would suggest that you check it out, insha Allah. It will help you to see that many sisters have been where you are now, and how things have turned out for them when they were patient.

http://home.beseen.com/belief/alniqab/wives4islam.html

As-Salamu-Alaikum,shukran sister I need some sincere advice not just the usual "It's a part of Islam so deal with it". Even though I know it is I feel I honestly am not there yet. I am coping with many internal sruggles right now and when I try to explain them to him they come out backwards. Our marriage is not on the level I would like for I to be and I feel that this is putting a BIG monkey wrench in it, BUT MASHA-ALLAH(with a deep sigh). I have to constantly remind myself that ALLAH does not give you more than you can handle, and even though I feel that this is more than I can handle, I love ALLAH much, much, much more than him and this will not stop me from trying to seek his face. Shukran again and please contact me again, my sister in Islam(PLEASE respect that my email adress is for the sister that replied to my message or for those that have advice that will help me not hinder me).

Assalamu Alaikum,
All praise is due to Allah
the Most High. May peace and blessings be upon His prophet, Muhammad.
Sister, I want you to know that I understand fully and compasionately with what you are experiencing. May Allah The Most High make the test and trials that you experience in this world a means of allowing you to paradise with no accounts at all. May He bless you to grow closer to Him with whatever he decrees for you in this world. May He provide for you from where you know not. May He be sufficient for you, for He is the best of all maintainers. May knowing that Allah The Most High is in control of all of our affairs aid you. I believe in the Quran or hadith ( may Allah forgive me) it says Allah has already stored away wonderful places for certain believers. It may be those who are patient, I don't recall for sure. A test such as polygany truly requires patience. May He make easy for you, what is difficult. For HE CAN MAKE THE DIFFICULT EASY. May He replace any of you losses in this world with something better in this world and the hereafter. May He bless you to increase in your iman, taqua, tawheed, and certainty of the hearafter. May He bless you with the good of this world and the hereafter. May He bless you with a lofty place in Jenna where no troubles exist, where all sadness and pain is forgotten, where you will have only happiness and peace , and where you will see the Face of your Lord who created you and loves His believers. I love you. May Allah The Most High bless us to see one another in jenna with no acounts at all. What ever trial He gives us in this world, may He bless us to pass it.
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatulah Wabarakatu

As Salaamu Alaikum I am looking for the answer to a particular question inshaa Allah you can help me with. Someone anyone. I am a first wife now of 1 week and my husbands second wife is asking that she be allowed to call our husband when ever she feels the desire during my nights and is saying my decision on it is unislamic. I need to know if on my nights I have the right to say i do not want her calling him as this is my night. For the purpose of need i have no problem with it but for the sake of just calling to give the salaams and say she misses him I do not see fit to. Am I wrong for this if so why is it than that we have nights at all. I mean if I am calling on her time I will be taking his mind from her on her time and that does not seem to be in fairness to me and Allah knows best. Please sisters any help on this is greatly appreciated. I am having troubles finding out hat my rights are in this. Any help would be great...I asked him to prove to me when it was that the wives of the Prophet saw stopped by after maghrib and said can I speak to my husband and then said the salaams and that she missed and loved him and then said ok thanks and left. Of course he cannot find that. I have come with the fact that Aisha RA said the Prophet saw used to make his rounds to his wives houses after Asr Salah and the hadith went on to say that he stayed a period of time longer then normal with hafsa RA and it was due to her offering him some honey. Then following the Wives (Aisha, Sawdah, and Safiya) all began to play a trick on him astaghfirAllah asking of what smelled on him. He became upset with them. I was paraphrasing, but my point was that his normal action was to make his rounds after asr and end at the wife whos night it was and that night he did not make it at the normal time. My husband says this is not enough. I dont know what to do on this issue but I am now being made to look as if i am petty but I am as is not happy about any of this and not comfortable with her calling and taking from my time. I have been with my husband 2 years and now this small amount of time is very very important for me. Please help with any advice.

Jazzakullah Khairun

As salamu alaikum wa ramantullahi wa barakatu

Sister how are you doing? To answer your question, you do have rights to say not to call on your nights. I had a very simular problem except I was the second wife and the first wife would always call, no matter what it was for! I had no problem because they did have two kids but it was never an emergency nor was it important. The sister and I were very close mesha Allah and I didn't have a problem ultil it was starting to be done in excess. Let you husband know that the two homes should be seperate and your time is your time Insha Allah. If needed sister go to the imam amd seek niseyha from him because your husband has to be just between the two of you and that is not being fair. Insha Allah things will become easier for you and may Bless you with patients for this situation.

As salamu alaikum

Assalamu alaikum dear sisters,
I have read your messages with great interest and amazement- at the fact that sisters are talking so openly about this topic- something that is such a hot potato. Alhamdulillah, may Allah make reward you and enable us to learn from each other. I've been looking for sisters to talk to who have been in plural marriages for a while now but of course it's extremly difficult trying to find them. I have received a proposal (of a kind) from a brother who has been married for 5 years. I have never thought about being in a lural marriage until this time and had no idea what life would be like - except of course the jealousy, loneliness and all negative aspects of it... What I'm wondering is, what is it worth? I mean isn't it better to wait for a brother who is single to avoid this heartache, as single brothers are in the majority and most brothers only marry once anyway? This brother seems so right for me, but this thing is putting me off; how can I choose a man I'd have to share over a man who'd be just mine? Note that I am in no way against polygyny; I get annoyed when sisters cuss it down but undoubtedly it's a trial and wouldn't it be best to avoid it regardless of the fact that the brother is really good?
Wassalam

Salaam alaikum,


It's sad to see that so many Sisters are getting involved in polygyny, before they are well established in their deen. This is only one aspect of Islam, but unfortunately it has become a major thing in some communities. The majority of these marriages do not work out, and many Sisters end up leaving Islam because they are not strong enough in their faith, before jumping into these situations.

Sisters, there are many Sunnahs. Don't let yourself be bamboozeled into putting so much importance on this one Sunnah. It is obvious that monogamy is more natural and preferable. The Prophet's first marriage, that lasted 25 years, was monogamous. There was a reason this marriage came first. We need to accept that, and stop promoting polygyny, that is not working and is damaging to the deen of so many.

Work on your relationship with Allah first. Everything else will come, at the right time. Don't rush into a marriage, that most likely will not work out. Divorce is not good in Islam. It is better to be alone and have patience for a while, than to rush into something that will be such a difficult test for you, that you may not be able to cope with it.

For the Sister who was extolling her husband's virtues. Sister as you grow in Islam, you will understand that the length of someone's pants is a minor issue. I was surprised that this was the first thing you listed. There is much more to Islam than how someone looks. Try not to get caught up in these simple matters. I don't mean to offend you, but as your Sister, I am trying to advise you. I've seen so many people get sidetracked on these simple matters, that they missed the main issues.

Wasalaam