http://www.secularislam.org/call.htm

I am a newly married woman, to be married to my muslim husband I had to convert to the islamic faith..therefore I don't know much about islam yet..the other day my husband and I got into an argument and I said disrespectful things to him and before I knew it he had me over his knee..the beating he gave me lasted for what seemed like forever and hurt terribly..afterwards I told him I had never been so humiliated in my life..then he showed me in the koran where it gives husbands permission to beat thier wives..had i known this I would have discussed the possiblility of it ever happening in our marrage before I agreed to marry him..could someone please explain this practice to me..and is it common through out the middle east..we are moving there soon and I really don't know if I want to go after all..

Salaam,


I went to some sites to get some details for you. I found some articles that you should go through, these are the following links:


http://www.understanding-islam.org/related/text.asp?type=question&qid=544


http://www.understanding-islam.org/related/text.asp?type=discussion&did=339


http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=2083&dgn=3


http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=10680&dgn=3


http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=13803&dgn=3


I hope that they will be some of some help. The actual Quran ruling is:
"Men [as husbands] are responsible for their women because God has made the one superior to the other [in different spheres] and because they spend of their wealth. Therefore, righteous women are obedient [to their husbands] and guard their secrets as God has also guarded secrets. As for those from whom you fear refusal of obedience, admonish them and [if this does not effect their behavior then] leave them alone on their beds and [if even this does not effect their behavior then] beat them." (Al-Nisaa 4: 34)

Thus hitting one's wife only comes as a last resort and is used as a corrective measure. The Holy Prophet pbuh never did so himself. You are new to islam, Allah has truly blessed you. I would recommend that you should get a copy of the Quran, with explanation and the book Sahih Al Bukhari (containing the sunnah of the Holy Prophet pbuh), together they will really help you.

take care,


wasalaam

Thank you for your reply..I went to the sights and I see that my husband did not abuse me..but he did jump the gun so to speak..he went straight to beating instead of using the steps layed out in the koran..

although it is hard to see beating in this way..in my country there is only one difinition for the word beat..at least in the minds of the women..and that is the use of fists and consists of black eyes, fat lips and broken bones..

my husband did not beat me in this way..my husband is very kind and loving..as I hope is true of most islamic men..I believe, as in my country there should be two terms for this practice..the word beat, should be used for abuse..and spanking should be used for the word discipline..which is what we do in my country..

yes, from your mail it did seem more like a spanking and if you want to know anything else, i'm here,


Allah Maaki

Like it or not, you have entered into a marriage with someone who believes Allah gives him the authority to beat you when all else fails. Mehreen should be ashamed of herself for directing you to websites that compare a husband's authority to beat his wife with the authority we give our police to control criminals. You're his wife, not a criminal.

Stop taking advice from men who may be pretending to be women on this website; only a man claims that hitting a woman is acceptable because it is only "spanking". You know better in your heart.


Seek counsel from whoever oversaw your conversion to change your husband's attitude. Maybe he should exercise the kind of authority that Mahreen likes and hit your husband a few dozen times. If he agrees with your husband that it is acceptable to hit you, there are plenty of muslim lawyers (real licensed members of your state bar)who can arrange for you to benefit from the protections of American law. Good luck.

Mehreen..please explain this concept to me..is beating in the koran the same as spanking in america..there are plenty of southern places that condone this practice..mostly in the mountains..this had never been done to me or anyone I ever knew as many people here consider it abuse..I was shocked to have it happen to me..I still don't know if it is something I will accept and am considering taking Rescues advice..my husband and I are still at odds over it..

Salaam,

Firstly to whoever this Rescue is, i do not understand your position at all. I have given you a verse from the Quran_ and you have the audacity to refute it, obliging no proof, no reference, no Sahih Hadhis against it.

You are giving your own opinion and i respect that, but the moment when you enjoin your own opinion in context to islam; advising others what to do and not to do, inforcing what (seems to you) is wrong and what seems to you to be right and then offering no proof as basis, then i am afraid that you are in error manifest. Why refute something that Allah has made lawful...i would ask you to clarify your position and more importantly, back it up with islamic rulings, otherwise we have no argument.


For Anonymous, you husband "jumped the gun" so to speak, and that was wrong according to the Quranic ruling and i said that. Plainly, the process according to one of the sites i directed you to is:

"If the wife is at fault or is rebellious, he should first warn and advise her. If that doesn�t work, then he should withhold conjugal relations and not speak to her. If that doesn�t work, then he is allowed to hit her, but not in a painful fashion. This does not mean that her entire body is his to beat as he wishes � no, and a thousand times no! Islam does not allow him to hit her severely or leave bruises, or break her bones, or cause her to bleed, neither is he allowed to hit her on the face (as you pointed out in your question). The hitting that is allowed is within certain limits and is for the purpose of discipline, not for revenge or to vent one�s anger."

That is the islamic position. Thus the physical abuse that "beat" implies in the states is out. The serious thing is that your husband has jumped the gun once and he can do it again . He was wrong to do it so rashly and not following the procedure as stated by Allah in the Quran, and that should be clearly pointed out to him. In the end, it is your marriage and concerns your future, and i really think you love him, so talk to him about it_ show him the Quranic ruling and i am sure he will realise that he acted too hastily.


Allah knows best.

wasalaam

sorry if i sound a bit huffed_ hope it helps though.

no you did not sound huffed and your post did help..my husband and I finally sat down and talked about it..he was raised in america and is from the spare the rod spoil the child also goes for women part of our culture..and spanking is something he does..his father spanks his mom and his brothers-in-law spank his sisters as do his brothers spank thier wives..it is not considered abuse in thier family and he apologised for not making this clear to me before we married..he offered me the option of leaving the marrage..and I seriously considered it..but I have decided to stay in the marrage as long as he follows some ground rules I have given him..he agreed they were not unreasonable requests and has promised to not cross over this line I have drawn..therefore I am hoping our marrage can work..as I love him tremendously..here's hoping..:)

I'm not a scholar, but my dad has never beat my mum and force should only be used as the ABSOLUTE last resort. Even when they do beat you, they should do so only to make it clear that you have done a grave wrong and not 2 specifically hurt you.

salaam

spanking as in leaning u over his knees and hitting your backside is not the way clearly recommended in the Quran as an absolute last resort. it should be a light tap, anywhere except the face. it should not cause pain or injury such as soreness or a mark afterwords, but should be a wake-up call to u that u have been behaving unreasonably. but the fact that your husband bent u over and spanked u like an infant is just...well...odd. u both need to go to an imam, or look in books that explain how to enact this verse in the Quran. if u are both interested in following the Quran and Sunnah, and if u both ever come to the point where it is necessary to wake u up by laying a hand on u, u must do this.

wa salaam

fatima

Assalamu alaikum

THat specific verse is very controversial, even among muslims. In my opinion, the husband is not really allowed to spank/beat his wife - our Imam says the husband's disappointment in his wife and his subsequent reaction to whatever she did wrong, should be enough punishment for the wif - to her it should be as if she was beaten/spanked.

Those who consider the verse to mean beating/spanking also belief it means beating/spanking with something like a miswak/feather - no damage can be done.

Abuse: According to Quran and Sunnah

www.muttaqun.com/abuse.html



The Prophet, (saaws - peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, "Abusing a Muslim is a sin, and killing him is disbelief." (Bukhari and Muslim)

"The Prophet never beat any of his wives or servants; in fact, he did not strike any living being with his hand except in the cause of Allah or when the prohibitions of Allah had been violated, and he retaliated on behalf of Allah." (An-Nasaa'i)

The Prophet said: "When the people see a cruel person is committing aggression, and do not prevent him, it is likely that Allah would afflect them with His chastisement." (Abu Dawud, Tirmithi, An-Nisaa'i)

The Prophet said: "Allah does not punish the individuals for the sins of the community until they see the evil spreading among themselves, and while they have the power to stop it, do not do so." (Ahmad)

Allah, swt, commands the believers to "Enjoin the good and forbid the evil." (see Qur'an 3/104, 3/110, 9/71)


The Only Way to Beat ...


The only way to beat a wife or child, is to do so in a way that does not risk physical harm to the person and it should only be done after the committing of something serious such as flagrant disobedience (disobedience only to that which is halal [permissible according to Islam]).


T. Al-Qurtubi, Vol. 15, p. 212
During the ailment of Job, his wife used to beg for him and Satan told her a word of disbelief to say and she told her husband (Job), so he became angry with her and took an oath to strike her one hundred lashes. So Allah ordered Job to fulfil his oath by striking her with the bundle of thin grass.

Prophet Ay�b (Job) was informed how to beat his wife in this particular instance, in a way such that he would not harm her, yet still fulfill his misguided oath:


The Noble Qur'an - S�d 38:44
[To Job]: And take in your hand a bundle of thin grass and strike therewith (your wife),...
The Noble Qur'an - Al-Baqarah 2:224
And make not All�h's (Name) an excuse in your oaths against your doing good and acting piously, and making peace among mankind. And All�h is All-Hearer, All-Knower (i.e. do not swear much and if you have sworn against doing something good then give an expiation for the oath and do good).

The Prophets are an example to mankind. From the above ayat and other hadith, we take the knowledge that the verse, "beat your wives" in The Quran refers to strikes with something relatively soft such as a bundle of thin grass or at worst a thin, flimsy stick. The beating is not to be done with severity. Please note that judgement can be impaired while a man is angry, and so it is recommended that he does not do it while angry. It is likewise haram (prohibited) for a woman to abuse her husband or children.


Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #276, Narrated Amr ibn al-Ahwas al-Jushami

Amr heard the Prophet (peace be upon him) say in his farewell address on the eve of his Last Pilgrimage, after he had glorified and praised Allah, he cautioned his followers: 'Listen! Treat women kindly; they are like prisoners in your hands. Beyond this you do not owe anything from them. Should they be guilty of flagrant misbehaviour, you may remove them from your beds, and beat them but do not inflict upon them any severe punishment. Then if they obey you, do not have recourse to anything else against them. Listen! You have your rights upon your wives and they have their rights upon you. Your right is that they shall not allow anyone you dislike, to trample your bed and do not permit those whom you dislike to enter your home. Their right is that you should treat them well in the matter of food and clothing.

Unlike some non-Islamic societies, Islam does not consider it abuse to gently strike someone in response to flagrant disobedience to clear instructions. At most, such gentle beatings cause embarassement and bring clarity as to the seriousness, in hopes to repair and revitalize the relationship and guide the person back to Islam. Although a wife or child can both be beaten (always lightly as mentioned throughout this article), this does not in any way imply that wives are to be treated as children, as the situations and conditions are entirely different.


The Noble Qur'an - An-Nisaa 4:34
...As to those women on whose part you see ill�conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance)....

Hadith - Dawud, Narrated As-Saburah
[Also recorded by Ahmand and al-Hakim. Al-Syuti has give in a notation signifying that it is authentic. Al-Albani has graded it hasan. Al-Albani, Sahih al-Jami, vol. 2, p. 1021.]
The Prophet said: Order your children to pray at the age of seven. And beat them [lightly] if they do not do so by the age of ten. And separate them in their bedding.
Men can also be beaten, and should be in an Islamic government, for certain crimes such as public drunkeness, by other men. This beatings are stronger than what is done in the home, as they are in response to crimes in society.


Hadith - Al-Muwatta 28.27
Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab from Said ibn al-Musayyab and from Sulayman ibn Yasar that Tulayha al-Asadiya was the wife of Rushayd ath-Thaqafi. He divorced her, and she got married in her idda-period. Umar ibn al-Khattab beat her and her husband with a stick several times, and separated them. Then Umar ibn al-Khattab said, "If a woman marries in her idda-period, and the new husband has not consummated the marriage, then separate them, and when she has completed the idda of her first husband, the other becomes a suitor. If he has consummated the marriage then separate them. Then she must complete her idda from her first husband, and then the idda from the other one, and they are never to be reunited."

Hadith - Sahih Al-Bukhari 2.391, Narrated Abdullah bin Umar
He (Prophet Muhammad) pointed to his tongue and added, "The deceased is punished for the wailing of his relatives over him." 'Umar used to beat with a stick and throw stones and put dust over the faces (of those who used to wail over the dead).
Hadith - Bukhari 3:509, Narrated 'Uqba bin Al-Harith
When An-Nuaman or his son was brought in a state of drunkenness, Allah's Apostle ordered all those who were present in the house to beat him. I was one of those who beat him. We beat him with shoes and palm-leaf stalks.

The permission from Allah swt for beatings is conditional, in that it must be done according to Qur'an and Sunnah and not according to ones nafs (lower desires/ emotions/ irrationality).


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Wife Abuse


"The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best toward their wives." (Tirmithi)

How can it be said that a man is the protector of his wife, if he intentionally strikes, chokes, pushes or is violent in any way that results in her physical injury or bruising?

The Noble Qur'an - An-Nisaa 4:34

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because All�h has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to All�h and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what All�h orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill�conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, All�h is Ever Most High, Most Great.

The Prophet, saaws, advised one Muslim woman, whose name was Fatimah bint Qais, not to marry a man because the man was known for beating women:


Hadith - Sahih Muslim
"I went to the Prophet and said: Abul Jahm and Mu'awiah have proposed to marry me. The Prophet (by way of advice) said: As to Mu'awiah he is very poor and Abul Jahm is accustomed to beating women"

It is haram (prohbited) for a man to ever strike the face of a Muslimah, for any reason, or to any degree. This statement is not a support for abusing women in a way that may potentially harm her, but a condementation of striking the face:


Hadith - Sunan of Abu Dawood, Narrated by Mu'awiyah al-Qushayri
Mu'awiyah asked: Apostle of Allah, what is the right of the wife of one of us over him? He replied: That you should give her food when you eat, clothe her when you clothe yourself, do not strike her on the face, do not revile her or separate yourself from her except in the house.

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Verbal Abuse


The word translated as "abuse" that is frequently mentioned in the Sunnah, includes verbal abuse.

Hadith - Sunan of Abu Dawood, Narrated by AbuJurayy Jabir ibn Salim al-Hujaymi
I saw a man whose opinion was accepted by the people, and whatever he said they submitted to it. I asked: Who is he? They said: This is the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him). I said: On you be peace, Apostle of Allah, twice. He said: Do not say "On you be peace," for "On you be peace" is a greeting for the dead, but say "Peace be upon you". I asked: You are the Apostle of Allah (may peace be upon you)? He said: I am the Apostle of Allah Whom you call when a calamity befalls you and He removes it; when you suffer from drought and you call Him, He grows food for you; and when you are in a desolate land or in a desert and your she-camel strays and you call Him, He returns it to you. I said: Give me some advice. He (saaws) said: Do not abuse anyone. He (saaws) said that he did not abuse a freeman, or a slave, or a camel or a sheep thenceforth.

The Noble Qur'an - AlAhzab 33:58
And those who annoy believing men and women undeservedly, bear on themselves the crime of slander and plain sin.

Hadith - Bukhari's Book of Manners #313, Ahmad, Ibn Hibban, and Hakim
... 'Abd Allah reported that the Prophet of Allah, upon him be peace, said, "A believer is not a fault-finder and is not abusive, obscene, or course."

Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi
�A believer is never a person who scoffs at others, calls them names, or utters vulgar and obscene phrases�


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Tafsir Ibn Kathir, Surah An-Nisa

(Imam Ibn Kathir is the leading commentator on the Qur'an)


Allah ordered the wife to obey her husband and prohibited her from disobeying him, because of the enormity of his rights and all that he does for her. The Messenger of Allah said,

"If I were to command anyone to prostrate before anyone, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate before her husband, because of the enormity of his right upon her."

Al-Bukhari recorded that Abu Hurayrah said that the Messenger of Allah said,

"If the man asks his wife to come to his bed and she declines, the angels will keep cursing her until the morning."

Muslim recorded it with the wording,

"If the wife goes to sleep while ignoring her husband's bed, the angels will keep cursing her until the morning."

This is why Allah said,

"As to those women on whose part you see ill conduct, admonish them (first)".

Allah's statement,

"abandon them in their beds,"

`Ali bin Abi Talhah reported that Ibn `Abbas said "The abandonment refers to not having intercourse with her, to lie on her bed with his back to her.'' Several others said similarly. As-Suddi, Ad-Dahhak, `Ikrimah, and Ibn `Abbas, in another narration, added, "Not to speak with her or talk to her.'' The Sunan and Musnad compilers recorded that Mu`awiyah bin Haydah Al-Qushayri said, "O Allah's Messenger! What is the right that the wife of one of us has on him''

The Prophet said,

"To feed her when you eat, cloth her when you buy clothes for yourself, refrain from striking her face or cursing her, and to not abandon her, except in the house."

Allah's statement,

"beat them"

means, if advice and ignoring her in the bed do not produce the desired results, you are allowed to discipline the wife, without severe beating. Muslim recorded that Jabir said that during the Farewell Hajj, the Prophet said;

"Fear Allah regarding women, for they are your assistants. You have the right on them that they do not allow any person whom you dislike to step on your mat. However, if they do that, you are allowed to discipline them lightly. They have a right on you that you provide them with their provision and clothes, in a reasonable manner."

Ibn `Abbas and several others said that the Ayah refers to a beating that is not violent. Al-Hasan Al-Basri said that it means, a beating that is not severe.


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Punishment for the Abuser

If, for instance, a man hits the woman and causes bruises or broken bones, the punishment may be that the same or similar may be done in return.


The Noble Qur'an - 3:126
And if you punish (your enemy, O you believers in the Oneness of All�h), then punish them with the like of that with which you were afflicted. But if you endure patiently, verily, it is better for As-S�birin (the patient ones, etc.).

The retribution for abuse should not exceed the original abuse.


Hadith - Sahih Muslim
"If two people abuse each other, the fault lies upon the one who began the abuse unless the wronged one transgresses."

--------------------------------
More rewards for no violence

Hadith - Sahih Al-Bukhari 4.255, Narrated Abu Burdas father

The Prophet (saaws) said, "Three persons will get their reward twice. (One is) a person who has a slave girl and he educates her properly and teaches her good manners properly (without violence) and then manumits and marries her. Such a person will get a double reward. (Another is) a believer from the people of the scriptures who has been a true believer and then he believes in the Prophet (Muhammad). Such a person will get a double reward. (The third is) a slave who observes Allah's rights and obligations and is sincere to his master."

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Action Items for the Muttaqun:

+++Follow the best example, that is of the Prophet Muhammad (saaws), who never struck his wives. "The Prophet never beat any of his wives or servants; in fact, he did not strike any living being with his hand except in the cause of Allah or when the prohibitions of Allah had been violated, and he retaliated on behalf of Allah." (An-Nasaa'i)

+++If you are suffering from abuse, contact a sheikh (Islamic scholar who is well-versed in Qur'anic Arabic and the study of Qur'an and Sunnah) for guidance.

+++Aspire to the engagement of an Islamic state in which Quran and Sunnah is the law of the land, in which fair trials are held in accordance with Islam, where crimes such as abuse are properly punished, and crimes such as public drunkedness can be punished with a beating with something such as palm.

++When living in a non-Islamic state, do not invoke the punishment of beating for crimes (such as against abusers) without the criminal's willingness to accept the Islamic punishment by Muslims.

++If you have abused or otherwise broken Islamic law, submit (this is the meaning of "Islam" - to submit) to an Islamic shariah court and to its ruling for Islamic punishment for the crime.

++Never turn Muslims over to a non-Islamic state (such as to report abuse) unless at the particular moment you have a serious threat to your wellbeing and no Muslims are available to help you; it is permissible to call the local police as a means to avoid the greater sin of allowing yourself or others to be seriously physically harmed. Once the abuse has taken place, remove oneself from the abusive environment instead of reporting a Muslim to a non-Muslim police force and court system. One should naturally avoid engaging in any activity that is considered illegal activity wherever he lives, while at the same time not compromising his deen (way of life) of Islam. If his environment does not allow him to practice the fundamental requirements of his religion, he should make hijrah.