as salaam alaikum

all praises due to Allah because he provides for you what you need exactly when you need it. i had been looking for a place to dialogue with other sisters about polygny and here it is. i am interested in speaking with those sisters who are first wives. how did your family go about looking for a second wife? was it something in the works and you (as the first wife) had to deal with it or were you involved from the start? are there children involved if so how many and how do you explain the situation to them? what do they call wife #2(ummie, auntie)? how is your husband's time divided? how is your relationship with your co-wife? how did you get over any initial feelings of pain betrayal jealously? does it go away with time or was there any passage in the Quran that gave you strength or peace of mind?

my husband has been conversating with a sister with the intent of taking her as a second wife. we have a very loving relationship and there is no dissatisfaction in our relationship. he is considering this b/c he fears that this sister may loose her deen. my husband is a very generous person and is bothered by the plight of many women in the society and he knows that he has the capacity to make a difference in this sister's life. as much as it hurts to admit, he would be the one brother in the community who could handle this properly. however, this knowledge at times does not make the ache in my heart go away. in my head i can rationalize and understand the benifits for this sister and for me but how do i get over the hurt? and how do i deal with it knowing that he is with her on a particular night? we have three small children.

thank you for your response

Salaamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah

Let me tell you sister.

Polygamy does not have to be bad.
I was in polygamy me being the
(first wife)when I married this
brother,he and I both brought into
the marraige three children each.
I having three sons-him having
two sons and one daughter: so com-
bined we had five boys and a girl.
So,along into the marraige(just
a few months) I realized and my
husband also that the children
situation was a bit difficult on
me.(When it is you taking on children
who are already shaped and maybe
not to your liking)these issues
can be real. So into the marraige
brother and I not wanting to div-
orce used polygamy to our advantage.
I learned real quick not to inv-
olve myself in the 'finding' or
looking process. Let that be his burden,
alhamdulillah. So polygamy didn't happen
until two years later into our marraige.
My then husband had provided two
seperate households for his families, it
was really nice. I had my children
back(sort of speak) and burdens were
lifted in the situation all around.
Now I couldn't face going to his wedding,
(this I couldn't do) and to see them
leave the masjid touchy feely (so I
stayed home during the wedding.
Girl, my husband was with me immediately
after fajr and (hooked me up)and I
kissed him with salaamu alaikum and I saw
him at isha before he went home to his
new wife(where he had to give her three
nights in a row). He made it his business
to accommodate me in whatever way.(I do
believe that I was special to that
husband during them times) ALLAHU ALIM.
So after the three nights he owed to her.
He tried one night after the other thing-
which didn't work to good because he said
it didn't allow him enough time to get
comfortable with his home. So he tried three nights here and three nights there, which
didn't work out because now he was
away from one home too long. So we settled with
two nights at a time between the homes,
this worked out fine.
Now as far as when thinking about him
being with the other wife, this we
just have to discipline of ourselves.
Just accept that you haven't lost your
husband just because he is married to
someone else.Sure thoughts are going to
come(is he doing her like he does me)?
Run away from that thinking: it will
tear you apart and you'd be the miserable
one. And if he is doing her as he may do
you, the key is "can she do him like
you do him?"
One day I saw her touch his hand and I
didn't want to see this: so I said
"Ya ALLAH give me strength" and I
continued on and the sister and I
we relate with each other, tend to each
needs. Sometimes we just have to bite
the bullets in this life, you know?
This polygamy situation lasted for I say
close to two years. The brother and I
separated first. Then shortly after her
and him seperated.
Life lessons become unsurprising after
a while, but remember women give birth,
so why weaken ourselves down to the point
of no return?

Barakalahu fiq wa Jannah
O' the children should never call
anyone who is not their mother, their mother.
Nor auntie either.(claiming false
relationship in Islam is disliked by ALLAH).
The children should call you(they're
father's wife(by your name)!
SUBHANA LAHI WA BIHAMDHI

asalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatu

especially for sister queen
Alhamdulilahi rabil alamin, i have been praying for the day when i would meet sisters who's experiences with polygyny would help each other. I have not been in polygymy, but my husband has been seriously looking for a second wife, and like the first sister on the page i have noooooo idea how to deal with it, so much so that i am considering not dealing with it all. I need help, i need advice from those who have the experience to give it. So far i have been getting what seems to be unwarranted advice from those who know not about the situation itself.

i would love to chat to you outside the bulletin board, only for the sake of my privacy Insha Allah

May Allah subhana wata ala grant us with success in this dunya wa akhirah. Ameen

Your sister

Sister e-mail me. I received your first
e-mail. We can make this private, as it is.

AsSalaamualaikum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu,
I have to say that as Muslim women we have to deal with alot of hardship. The thing is we deal with it and we deal with it proudly. It is hard being in situations such as ours without thinking what am I doing? Because we have such Love for Allah (swt) and for our deen we strive hard to overcome our obstacles. Polygany is such a situation that we must overcome. However how do you deal with it when you dont know if you are even living in polygany or not? My husband and I married 4 months ago and he did not tell me that he was still married to his first wife. He told me that because they did not get along and mostly because she stopped practicing he divorced her. You see they have a child together and one day when he left to pick up the child she took it upon herself to let me know that she was still his wife. When he came home I confronted him about this and he told me that he did take her back so that he could see his child without hardship. He also told me that he has not had relations with this sister for over two years. That is where my concern lies. I have been told that because it has been more than 4 months since they have been together they are not married. His Sheik says that they are. But I got to reading and am even more confused than ever, because according to what I read it is unlawful for him to stay away from her. My concern is that my husband is committing a sin. If anyone can point out some Daleel for me to read I would really appreciate it. Shukran

This happened a lot in my ktown and sister the facts have to be made clear! When he and her first ever married was it done correctly, was there a wali, when he pronounced divorce on her did they
complete the id'dah or did he take her back before this time expired or was there a marraige. I hated living in confusion. A sister may free herself from complicated situations for legitimate reasons. But sis take care not to be lead by your emotions and express to your husband the things that are on you that needs to cleared and when it is ALLAAH show you something then you waiver yur handleling it, or your need to be relaxed. If you
love your hubby and you believe him to be sinning
with another woman then the proof has to be founded. Confide with your husband sis unannoyingly. May ALLAAH grant you ease ameen

To the sisters who are in agreement with their husband as to getting another wife because they need help .... isn't it obvious you are thereby exploiting another person? What you are looking for is a servant for the wife and another sex slave for the husband. Give me a breask!

I realize that people do not have always have a choice as to how to conduct their lives, such as living under a dictatorship or a location where freedom of choice is limited. My comments can only apply to countries where freedom of choice can be practiced.

I feel that every human being has come to this earth aware deep down in their being of what is right and wrong. Prophets come to remind us when we have become carried away with earthly concerns. And prophets speak to the people of the times they appear in. They cannot make sweeping changes drastically outside of the cultural norm so they attempt to do the best they can. And so did Muhammad (who, of course, was also a product of his time).

Any woman who feels inferior/subservient to any man should question how she arrived at such a belief. Women should study the historic times of the Quran to see why things were written that are written. We are all equally children of God.

The Quran teaches that a husband must treat all his wives equally - an impossible task to start with because although we are all equal, we are also all different.

However, based on this premise of equal treatment BY a husband, why should a wife not give equal treatment TO a husband by taking another husband herself - a more reasonable solution than the other way around as in this day and age there is no need for procreative activities, the world being overpopulated as it is.

If a man is willing to subject a human being to emotional distress by taking on more wives (99% of the time not for humanitarian reasons as may have been the case once upon a time, and justifying it with the laws of the Quran, eg. to watch for "jealousy among wives"), it is obvious to me that he is using the rules of the Quran as an excuse so as not to have to face up to the fact that this person who is his wife is also a human being with feelings.

We live on this earth to fulfill our creative potential. If you feel your mission on this earth is to explore polygamy, and it makes you happy, so be it. If it doesn't fulfill your life, if it makes you miserable, think again! I give you a quote by another prophet who said that, as a rule, "Suffering is not good for the soul".

You seem to be working hard, making all these posts on August 19.

Unfortunately for you, your arguments are terribly flawed and obviously against the basic principles of Islam.

If you have a problem with Islam and Muslims - keep your comments to yourself.

By the way - we are not the 'children of God' since God is not like His creation and does not have children. (That means Jesus is not the son of God).

Alhamdulillahilr Rabbil alameen

salam to all you sisters, i have been marrid for nearly six years. subhanallah reading your storys have brought tears to my eyes. my husband has never thought of haveing a secound wife ,it has never crossed our minds in our relationship but i must say may allah bless you all and grant you paradise because what you are doing is something i could never do. i would never be able to cope with it. may allah send you ease and inshallah you will have the life after this life. this life is going to end. haveing one wife or ten . but inshallah your reward for putting up with it will never end. i admir you all. and wish you all the best. salam

By the way - we are not the 'children of God' since God is not like His creation and does not have children. (That means Jesus is not the son of God).
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Dear Anonymous:


You are right..your God, Allah..the God of the Quran, has no son..no where does he make that claim..but my God..the God of the Christian Bible does make that claim..Our God claims Jesus as his only son in whome he is well pleased..and so many more times in our Bible that I can not count them..Jesus is the son of our God..therefore..the people of Islam and the people of Christianity can not serve the same God..for as I said..Allah has no son..and my God does..his name is Jesus Christ..

As Salaamu Alaikum

I am wondering if a sister can help me out with something. I am a new shahada and am planning on getting married very soon. I am so nervous. I wanted to know if a sister could walk me through the process of getting married as far as whether or not it is scheduled or do you just walk in and where is the ceremony held within the masjid, what will have to say and/or do also the bride-groom, how long will it be and whatever else you can tell me about the process only please. Insha Allah i'll get over my nervousness.
Salaam